A few months ago I recall having a convo with one of my besties about how I just needed to tell God exactly how I felt, because he knew it anyway. I was going through a very tough time personally for so many reasons. I honestly wasn't interested in trying to work things out in my marriage, although God made it very clear that was what I needed and would be doing. I was still very bitter about the choice Ben made to get out of the military with no solid work waiting for him on the outside, and then I was very resentful for the fact that he came back to Seymour to do the same job that he had to get out of, for less money and we now had to pay for things we once considered luxuries. And yes, I even cried because I have a pink ID instead of a tan one, which set me apart. Even worse, I felt like Ben didn't want to own up to his end of this mess and he truly didn't understand at all how I felt. Maybe he did, but I didn't feel like he did.
There were plenty of phone calls (Iesha, Trish, Max, Billie, Tiff).They all got them in regards to how I felt about those things and even some harsher feelings that I would never express to anyone but that group of individuals. But, I did what I told Max I was going to do. I just started telling God exactly how I felt, and I told him that if this was how my life was going to be, he was ABSOLUTELY going to have to change some things in me, because I was not the least bit interested.
I would often ride in my car with no music on and just tell God how I felt. He knew I wanted no parts of this situation, but slowly over time my heart started to change. First about being with Ben. I was able to see how we could do this and what I needed to be doing regardless of how I felt. And I learned that I was doing the right thing...telling God how I felt. Because even though he knew it, I had to tell him I wanted him to change it. And when I say my prayers were far from flowery...any of you that have held phone conversations with me, can imagine what my conversations with God are like. My prayers honestly don't start with "Dear God" that often...they start off with a bang..."Look God" lol, but I always keep it real with him and it has paid off.
Now I have come to terms with not being an active family anymore. Is it hard at times...yes. Do I miss the way of life I grew accustomed to for 11 years of my life...yes. But, God has slowly been revealing things to me about this new way of life and what it has given us. And how active life may not have been the best choice for us at this stage.
I've grown a deeper respect for my husband and the life we are striving to live. I've begun to understand that I have to grow accustomed to change, even when I hate it. I have definitely learned to lean on God, and I know that he hears what I have to say, even if it isn't the "right" thing. I believe he has been honoring my prayers because I haven't tried to sugar coat them for him, because he knows what my heart feels even if my mouth never says it.
I encourage all of you to get real with God. Let go of the need to be systematic and formal in prayer and just let go...Get real and tell him exactly how you feel. Trust me...he knows anyway, he just wants you to be as honest with him as you are with everyone else.
He's blessed me for my honesty and I am looking forward to seeing where we are gonna go from here. I love being back in NC. I do miss my family in IL, but I have to acknowledge (and Max has pointed out on several occasions) that NC seems to be where we belong.
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